In which Kirkland’s brother goes to prison (again) and our plucky hero purchases a pair of roller skates and potentially propels his posterior onto the pavement. And all of this before he hears Madonna’s new demo!
Monday
I woke up with a deep desire to have a pair of old-fashioned roller skates. Not those horrible roller blades, but an actual pair of skates, the kind with four wheels and a stopper on the toe. I remember skating down to the park near Langlands, full of zestful self-determination and vitality. These days the park is gone, replaced by a horrific block of flats occupied with drugs aficionados and loudmouths. I get up after contemplating how a pair of roller skates would improve my life, watch Batman which has The Penguin as the guest baddie, eat my breakfast, have a bath, email my latest draft MS away, then I order a pair of amazing retro roller skates.
Tuesday
My brother has been on the run but his time has finally come! He’s caught and taken into the authorities for not bothering to appear at a string of court dates. They want to give him a tag but he doesn’t have a phone so he has to go away for a while. We don’t talk so the news is relayed to me via someone who knows someone. But I don’t care; I’m getting a pair of roller skates…
Wednesday
Paula Boutique phones me and gives me the gossip:
“I’m pregnant!”
“Well,” I say happily, “congratulations!”
“The dad has tattooed my name on his finger,” she reveals.
“Oh.” I’m not sure how to respond appropriately.
“He spelled my name wrong,” she snarls, “he’s so damn illiterate!”
“I’m getting a pair of roller skates!” I blurt out.
Betty Boo’s seminal debut Boomania is playing in the background.
Thursday
Another seminal pop star has had the grave misfortune of having her new single leaked online. But fear not, for it is actually a demo, and when I listen to it…I find myself beaming with uninhibited delight. Give Me All Your Love is fab. The sky, however, has fallen upon the heads of fandom. Some of their comments are shockingly outlandish and completely wrong.
Friday
My new roller skates arrive. My neighbours are arrested for domestic violence against each other whilst drunk. There is no connection between these two events.
